After much discussion and, naturally, much over-analysis... Some friends and I have come to the conclusion that our 20's are collectively the hardest times in our lives (thus far). We have spent hours soul-searching--and searching empty pockets for that matter--trying to find answers to the dreaded questions:
What am I doing with my life?
What do I want to do with my life?
How am I going to do this?
And in addition to these overbearing and sometimes paralyzing questions, we continue to worry about our social lives, romantic lives, and family lives. It's not enough that we're trying to plan the next three or four decades of professional living; we take on the continuing battle of trying to identify ourselves as individuals...
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
How am I going to achieve that?
All to figure out where we fit in. Sometimes, ironically, this results in everyone looking the same in an attempt to look different. Sometimes this creates a trend: hipster, vintage, skater. But across the board this results in the better part of 10 years of ever-changing identity, taste, opinion, perception, and lifestyle.
There are things I know are not 'my style'. Going to a club that looks like someone's unfinished basement thick with fog and dense, sweaty air is not my scene. Going camping in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nature in all its greatness is not my style. I can handle either extreme for a short period of time, but when I've had enough, it's time for either a cool bar or a hotel room. Now this doesn't mean I have to limit myself to spending time with only those who have the same interests as me; it just means that we might not have as much in common as, say, someone I meet at Bucktown's finest new addition. And this does not change the level of respect I have for those who do enjoy either of those environments. But I can tell you now that I am not that kind of clubber, nor am I a nature enthusiast. Chances are I won't fit in within either of those groups.
Then I got to thinking about when in my life I feel as though I do fit in. And I had a very hard time coming up with an answer. This doesn't mean I feel uncomfortable most of my life. I definitely don't. And this isn't actually a negative thing. I am completely comfortable around most people; especially my family and good friends. However, this also does not mean that I feel I fit in. There is a distinct difference between fitting in and being accepted.
After noting this difference, my outlook changed. Maybe it's not fitting in that I'm looking for--socially, professionally, or romantically. Maybe it's acceptance that's more satisfying. Think about it. Acceptance allows you to be an individual and still be in the 'inner circle', no? We spend so much time trying different things to make us stand out from the person standing next to us, or our competition down the bar. So maybe 'fitting in' would be equally as unsatisfying. Maybe that's not what I want at all. Maybe what would be the best scenario is to be accepted on all those levels and respected as that... Whatever that is. (That meaning the collective answer to the questions above.)
So it turns out I'm not as far off as I thought I was. And maybe your 20's don't have to be so stressful after all. Perhaps we're making things more complicated than they need to be. So, let's just chill. These are supposedly the 'best times of our lives'. And while I think they might be the most productive, I'm not sure the term 'best' is ever going to describe our 20's... Yes, discovering the answers to the questions above will be helpful and in the meantime they cause strife. But just start with what you know. There's no rush. So sit back, relax, watch a movie or read a book, drink some wine, and enjoy your youth. Different obstacles coming next decade: grey hair, wrinkles, and gravity... Man oh man am I stoked! *big gulp*
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You're so wise. You've got it all figured out about being accepted. If only some other late twenty-somethings that I know could realize the same thing. Then, I think they would be better off with some things.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting. I was reading a quote from Zach Braff and he pointed out that our body goes through puberty in our teenage years, but our mind goes through puberty in our twenties. What an interesting concept, no? But I find it to be so true. I guess the reason why people call it the best times of their lives is because it's the decade of self-discovery. It's the only time we have available to do it before we become bogged down with other life responsibilities (i.e. career, family, marriage, bills, etc.) But you had it right, it's better to look at just finding yourself and accepting yourself for who you are instead of relying on others' opinions of you to dictate where you fit in. Because really, when we get older, fitting in doesn't matter. It's only the matters of the heart that do, and that tends to be 1) self acceptance and 2) acceptance for who we are by our peers, in that order. Kudos and Salude to you Ms. Lerner! *clink* You deliver us with some knowledge once again :)
Hahahaha! LJ I think it might be a bit different for guys and for girls when our minds go through puberty. I know some men in their 30's who still act like they're 18! (Then again, they are the exception rather than the rule...) But I totally see what you mean about the quote.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the 'best times of our lives' thing... I don't know. I can think of quite a few years in my past that have been more like the best times of my life. And I KNOW that there are more of those years to come. I actually think of the examples you used (career, family, marriage) as part of my upcoming best times rather than responsibilities. That's part of what I'm looking forward to. I think this time of self-discovery is productive and necessary... But, at least for me, it's not predominantly fun. I have fun times for sure. I'm not sad or miserable at all. I just think my 'best times' will include a lower stress level, more stable lifestyle, and TONS and TONS of laughter! (I got the jump start on the latter part of that.) I think my 30's are gonna rock... (At least they better!)
Along the lines of your "It's only the matters of the heart that do, and that tends to be 1) self acceptance and 2) acceptance for who we are by our peers..." How can you accept yourself while you're still trying to figure yourself out? Doesn't acceptance come when you feel sure of yourself? It seems like accepting the fact that you're a work-in-progress (which we continue to be throughout our lives but at this particular time in our lives it tends to be more intense) may be sort of unsatifying as well. It's like accepting something as slightly eratic when what your searching for is a constant.
What do you think? I always love to hear what you have to say. :-) Thanks for your response!
-B
P.S. I forgot an 'r' in erratic. Woops!
ReplyDeleteThe only acceptance once should look for in life is accepting themselves. The ones who run around jumping on fashion bandwagons or interest bandwagons, because they want a group of people to like them...those are the ones who can't accept themselves.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend loves camping and outdoors stuff. He loves silly comedies that are mostly meant for the intellectually deficient. He loves to shop at thrift stores, take silly photos with cameras, buy and decorate his place with things I think are tacky.
I still love him though for who he is...and wouldn't want him to change.
All my friends and even my girlfriend are different from me. We have similar interests and views in some matters, but we differ in many ways. It's the fact we don't require someone must be like us in order for us to like them is why we all get along. We respect each other.
To me that's what 20somethings need to realize in their quest to explore themselves. Do you accept who you are? If not, then use the time to change yourself til you find something that YOU can accept.