What Kanye Doesn't Mention In His Workout Tape

With all due respect to Mr. West and his concerns, ideals, or overall appreciation for the female form, there are a few things he left out of his workout tape. And I feel as though I have a social responsibility to females and gym-goers everywhere to highlight some of these nuggets for your enlightenment and enjoyment.

So, no wine tonight. Grab your strawberry-banana-vanilla whey smoothie, Muscle Milk, kick off your Pumas, and make yourself comfortable.

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The truth is that I've been in the gym since I was a kid. My dad used to take me and put me in the daycare center when he would go work out until I got old enough to join him. So the gym has inevitably developed into a familiar, comfortable place for me. It buzzes with energy and adrenaline yet, to me, it's peaceful. It allows me to detach from reality for a bit, get some endorphins going, get into my music, and strengthen both my body and mind. Yes, some days I have to literally manipulate myself to go to the gym (and we'll get into that later). But generally speaking, once I'm there, I'm in my zone.



PART I: One problem with being in my 'zone' is that sometimes it also means that I'm unaware of what's going on around me. With my music blaring and MTV in front of me, it's easy for me to space out. (Anything to distract me from the additional 20 minutes I have to do on the elliptical because of said red wine and dark chocolate.) And as most of you know, I danced on and off for many years of my life. So the music takes me away to a place where I have all my old dancing capabilities back even with a few upgrades. That sounds great, right? The problem: Sometimes I'm so in my own world that my body happens to react to whatever move my mind is creating. Therefore, I end up losing my balance (while looking epileptic perhaps) and snapping back to reality all in enough time to catch myself from falling off the elliptical. Note: On a treadmill this results in me running sideways until I hit the railing. Again, not so slick. Stairmaster equals me missing said stair and possibly tripping over myself. Luckily I haven't tumbled to the ground yet. *knock on wood* I've managed to laugh at myself because of this and promise to be more conscious of what my body's doing, but really... it happens way more often than I'd like to admit.



Part II: Speaking of 'in my zone' (and not of Britney Spears), this also means that I. Do. Not. Want. To. Talk. Listen, I know the gym is a great place to meet people. It means you have a common ground, take pride in how you look, stay healthy, and happen to like smoothies very much. But there is a time and a place for interaction. So let's have a brief chat about gym etiquette:

1. Do. Not. Stare. I repeat... Do not stare. Keep in mind there are mirrors everywhere in gyms (so we can all see our muscles flexing and beads of sweat streaming down our foreheads in an effort to look macho) which also means I CAN SEE YOU STARING! So stop. Really it's creepy.

2. Do NOT watch TV over my shoulder. If there's something on that you want to watch, go home and watch it or find another piece of cardio to sit on and watch. But you standing behind me watching TV results in me turning around to see who's behind me because the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end. And me turning around while on said piece of equipment also brings me back to my innate ability to lose my balance and rhythm and FALL OFF. If I break a bone, you're getting my doctor bills, comprende?

3. Don't talk on your cell phone while on the floor. On your way in? Sure. On your way out? Sure. But seriously? In between sets? Really? There's this guy at my gym who is literally on his phone pacing by the stretching machines for the entire 30-45 minutes I'm doing cardio. I know he's not personally bothering me, but it's annoying. Listen, Mr. Popularity, if you want to go to the gym to talk on your phone, join the East Bank Club. They have an entire restaurant/business lounge for that.

P.S. You totally know he's definitely not fit enough to be at the gym and NOT working out, by the way. My biceps could kick his biceps' asses... And I'm a chick!

4. Please wear appropriate clothing. And no, I'm not talking about those women who go with full-face makeup on, hair did, and donning the latest matchy-matchy gym outfit. (Although honestly, they could go straight from gym to date and totally pull it off.) Anyway, they annoy me but are totally harmless. What I'm talking about is wearing lose-fitting shorts sans underwear. Men, wear some boxer briefs or tighty-whiteys if necessary. But please, no commando. Women, tuck in the twins sufficiently. No one needs you walking around looking like the wanna-be member of the Pussycat Dolls while they're trying to get their sweat on. (Nor do you want to end up compared to Janet Jackson's 2004 Super Bowl performance.) And listen, everyone has their 'trouble areas'. Please don't come bare-bellied if that's something you're trying to tone. It's just not nice.

And

5. And probably the most important. I cannot emphasize this enough. PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME WHILE I'M WORKING OUT! First off, I'm not cute. I'm not trying to be cute. I'm trying to make myself cute in the long-run. So please don't hit on me while I'm especially un-cute (read: sweating and beet red) because then I'll wonder what the deuce is wrong with you. Secondly, I cannot, in any way, communicate effectively when I'm simply trying to get oxygen. And thirdly, if I don't take my headphones out when you speak to me, please take that as a "I'm busy right now. Please come back later... Or don't." What on Earth gave you the impression that coming up to me in the middle of a set of crunches was a good time?

In your defense: If you DO feel compelled to approach someone at the gym, that's cool too. BUT... Catch her/him on her/his way in or out. NOT mid-workout. Again, I do understand it's hard to meet people. And I understand that it's nice to know that the person you are meeting takes pride in their body. But please be conscious of space and timing. That's not too much to ask, is it?

PART III: ...to be continued... I'm thinking this will include a plethora of stories of the times I've made a giant ass out of myself at the gym. Think me working too hard on abs and trying to sit up to flip over. Think me attempting that and it doesn't work which leads to me log rolling to get on my stomach and then wiggling myself back on the ab mat, face smashed into the ground and giggling... All while He-Man and Rocky are standing feet away from me jumping rope like they're warming up for 12 rounds. Yep, start with that... Such a tease, right? Right. More to look forward to next week!

For now, post your awesome gym stories or pet peeves. I'm going to go shower and get over this brain freeze.

Peace, love, and lunges!