Why I'm Still Single.

Hi folks!

On a lighter note this week (or two weeks for that matter) I've decided to bring out my most mature self and delve into a couple quality situations to explain exactly why I'm still single. So, without further ado, please enjoy the humor that is my life.

Before I begin, let me give you a little background information. About a month and a half ago I joined a free dating website called plentyoffish.com. This was, at the time, for market research purposes and to see what kind of clientele a free dating website attracted. And while I did find that there are some quality people on there, they are few and far between in comparison to the umm... well... 'others'. So let's enjoy some of the emails I've gotten thus far:

hey sweet how ya doin? i was checked out ur profile it looks cool...!what you looking in pof:)?i would like to get to know ya it is cool...?ok if u wanna holla at me ma contact is 5555555555 or email me xxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com...!

1. I'm sorry, WHAT?
2. I see question marks but I don't see questions.
3. Did you just call me 'sweet' and 'ma'? Do I actually look like either of those to you?
4. Really, truly, I have no idea what you just said. So even if I wanted to respond, I wouldn't know how. Do they have Ebonics to English dictionaries online?

Are you ever interested in living in the country?

1. I state on my profile that I will not date anyone more than 25 miles away from Chicago and I rave about how much I love this city. You tell me.
2. I consider Schaumberg far.

well i tell u this right now i dont let a woman im with pay for nothing my ex g/f i used to take care of her all the time i was with her and she had to never worrie because i had everything on the control well if u knew me u would like me like everyone does im funny and smart and has a good sense of humor and i love kids and want to start a family one day i also love being around kids also i love cars and i wanna buld a street car one day and i want a good woman in my life that i can come home to and be happy and make her happy well if u like that why not give it a shot what do we have to lose u might love me to death or hate me it doesnt hurt to give it a shot i dont use people or i dont wanna be used im sick of playing games all i want is just like anyone else wants that is to only be loved and i would do the same back i have a big heart family is first in my life and i just want women to know they can count on me and not be let down well if u wanna hang out and shoot some pool or get some dinner sometime or just talk let me know

1. I also mention in my profile that I am a JOURNALISM student. The fact that this email had no punctuation or capital letters actually pained me. Oh. And that you spelled 'worry' with 'ie'. No dice, Romeo.
2. Because there was no punctuation or capital letters I read this as one 10-line run-on sentence which resulted in me forgetting to breathe the whole time. Apparently periods and commas exist for a reason.
3. In all fairness, Random Guy, you seem very nice and very genuine in a Droopy-the-Dog meets Linus-from-Charlie-Brown kind of way. Very sweet but not my style. Thanks for playin'.

So that's that. Then there are the guys I meet in the flesh off the bat. Like at the gym...

Picture this:

*Headphones on blasting Beyonce's Single Ladies. I'm in sweatpants and a Coed Naked Volleyball shirt from sixth grade. I have no makeup on and my hair looks like something died and landed on my head. Oh. And I'm beet-freaking-red because that's how I do. So basically, I'm in my groove...*

Dude walks by me way too closely. Stops at the machine right in front of my hanging-abs machine thingie. Stares. Mumbles something but I can't hear him because of Beyonce in my ears and quite honesty, I'd like to pretend I didn't notice.

I go get water. Dude follows me by the water fountain. As I leave the water fountain Dude says something (that I still can't hear but I can read lips) to the effect of "How you doin'..."

Headphones come off...

Me: *in a very irritated tone* What?
Dude: How you doin'...
Me: Fine thanks.
Dude: You single?
Me: I'm gay.
Dude: Really?
Me: Yes.
Dude: Can I watch?
Oh for the love of everything good and holy! GO AWAY!

Then the grocery store...

I'm post workout which means my face is turning back to its normal shade of pasty. I'm still in scrubby clothes and I'm still trying to shake off Sleezy McVoyeur from the gym.

I'm in produce. A guy who looks eerily like Coolio keeps looking at me. He mutters something to me in a voice so low and quiet that it puts James Earl Jones to shame. I keep getting my veggies and fruit and pretend not to notice. I move on to deli and voilà! There he is. Again, I ignore.

Just for kicks I walk down the tampon and Vagisil aisle and he doesn't follow. (Hehehe.) I think I'm free except I get to spices and there he is. I grab a aerosol can of olive oil Pam and wonder if it's as effective as pepper spray. Then in his voice that only squirrels and dolphins can hear...

Him: Yo, Ma...
Me: Huh?
Him: How you doin'... *Please note the lack of a question mark. In cases like these, this is not a question but rather a space-filler. I would rather him just get to the point so I can continue on my way. I'm tired and I need Golden Grahams.*
Me: Fine.
Him: You into Black guys?
Me: I... Ummm... Wow, really? Uhhh... I guess... I mean, I don't discriminate.

*FYI, I'm still walking. He's walking along about five feet behind me so a)he can stare at my behind, and b)he can make it even harder for me to hear him so I have to go "What?" every three seconds. Oh. And P.S. He hasn't put one thing in his shopping cart.*

*I'm still holding the can of Pam. If it saves my life I'm writing a thankful letter about the many uses of said handy substitute for butter.*

Him: You into me?

Me: No thanks.
Him: Why not?
Me: Because I'm not. Have a good night. *Walking, walking, walking towards the front where I spy cashiers and a security guard*
Him: Would it change your mind if I told you I have a big----- *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

*Running, running, running up to the cashiers and security guard. Screw the Golden Grahams. I'm done.*

I get escorted to my car by a very nice bagger who seemed to have an eye on me the whole time (and brought the security guard over by me) because he thought that guy was sleazy. I was very appreciative and, in addition to my letter to the Pam people, might write another letter to Dominick's thanking them for their attentive staff.

And finally, the guy who can't step up...

I am out with friends. I see this guy from across the bar and he looks at me and smiles. I smile back. Throughout the evening, he inches closer and closer to me and my friends and keeps making random eye contact but never actually follows through.

I walk by him to go say hi to someone. Nothing.
He walks by me to go to the bathroom. Nothing.
He bumps into me on his way back from the bathroom. I get an "Excuse me." I say "No problem." and he keeps walking. Ugh!

He finally makes his way to the part of the bar near me. And just as I'm putting on my jacket to leave (at 3am)...

Him: Are you leaving?
Me: Yep!
Him: Where are you going?
Me: For real? It's 3am. I'm going to bed.
Him: Oh, that sucks.
Me: Yeah, well, it took you long enough to talk to me!
Him: I know. Well, you're intimidating...

OH.MY.GOD.

I'm destined to be single forever. I swear.

G.Y.T.

In life there are the things we can control: our professional paths, who we spend time with, what we get involved in. And there are things we can’t control. As the famous saying goes, “Shit happens.” And it’s true. Bad things happen, and we twist and turn and figure out how to rework our figurative dealt hand to make the best possible outcome likely… or at least more likely.

A long-time friend was born with heart difficulties. After many surgeries and years and years of taking medication on a regular basis, one of her kidneys recently failed thus leaving her on the never-ending list for a kidney transplant. She and her sister reached out to the Facebook masses looking for support, positive words, and donating one day of status updates to awareness and helping our friend get a new kidney. The response, just based on what I saw, was extraordinary. Luckily her sister was a match for her, donated one of her kidneys, and they are both in recovery. In a recent email she stated, “And yes everything is going well and (insert sister’s name here) and I are feeling better every day!” No doubt, her sister’s selflessness, strength, and love; my friend’s courage, motivation, and will to live make this story a happy one.

A family friend was diagnosed last June with pancreatic cancer. He has been fighting, for almost a year, a losing battle with one of the most incurable types of cancer. (This, by the way, is longer than many who are diagnosed pancreatic cancer.) But with the support of his friends and family (and maybe enjoying some Lou Malnati’s pizza) he will go at his own time, on his own terms, leaving a lasting impression on those around him filled with tons of love, peace, and warmth in our hearts.

These are examples of making ‘the best’ of the uncontrollable. Most of us are fortunate enough not to have to deal with obstacles like these but...

Then there are the things that to some extent, we can control but maybe choose not to. The choice to not get tested for HIV/AIDS. Of course STD testing is absolutely, unequivocally important nowadays. And I think movements such as the GREEN movement, the TRUTH movement, and advertisements about safe practices like the Gardisil shot are reaching youths. But there still exists an in-between generation of us where dating isn’t quite like our parents’ experiences, but it surely doesn’t compare to that of today’s teenagers, who seem to be overlooked. And as a result, we’re not even looking at our hand of cards.

Cancer, heart disease, and diabetes are so commonly discussed either through advertisements, a figurative ‘who’s who’ of survivors, fighters, and deceased. Everyone knows someone. But AIDS and HIV are not so commonly talked about comparatively speaking unless discussing infection in places like Africa where AIDS is rampant and as common there as cancer is here. Why is this?

An idea :*ding, light bulb*AIDS is something we haven’t nearly figured out yet. There is no cure, similar to cancer. There are medications to slow the virus but nothing to rid it completely. There are still so many question marks associated with AIDS that people, naturally, fear what they don’t know. Because it is a ‘silent killer’ meaning, one could walk around unknowingly carrying this disease for months or even years without feeling a symptom. Yes, it is scary. And that’s all the more reason to talk about it. No, it is not completely overlooked. There are national and international charities to support AIDS research. Millions of dollars are poured into it. But it is not given adequate attention in this country given its prevalence. It’s not just drug users, homosexuals, or the sexually promiscuous that need to worry about this. It concerns anyone who is sexually active and practices unsafe sex. And not just sex; it can be transferred through a blood transfusion, open sores, or simply through childbirth. Modern sanitation regulations require thorough analysis and diligence in high-risk situations. So yes, that aspect is being managed but on a larger level. What about on an individual level? So ultimately, we’re being uber-diligent about our sanitation practices but we’re being reckless in our personal lives.

The problem is that AIDS has scared us into some stage of paralysis similar to the feeling that you get when you have too many things to do but not enough time. You know you need to start, but you don’t know where or how thus feeling overwhelmed and not taking any action at all. It’s scared us to the point where we figuratively cover our eyes and say “I don’t want to know”, but not to the point where we constantly make safe sex a priority. We need to get to the point where we say “I need to know.” And take some responsibility for our actions. Guess what… We live in America where AIDS isn’t an out-of-control disease like so many countries in Africa. Chances are, you’re fine. But a) it is not your (or my) place to decide for someone else whether they contract this disease or not, and b) we owe it to ourselves to get tested. We need to know. We need to know so that, if we are dealt that hand of cards, we can deal with it just like my examples above did. We need to know for our conscience, for our safety, and for the safety of others.

There are free clinics to get tested or you can have blood taken at your doctor. When you go in for a routine checkup, have an HIV test added into your routine. You’re worth the investment whatever the outcome. Would you ever tell my friend who just fought for her health once again that she should have stayed silent or ignore her symptoms? Would you ever tell a cancer victim not to fight? So G.Y.T. as MTV says. (Yes, I still watch MTV. The Real World still rocks.) Get Yourself Tested. Make HIV and AIDS awareness a bigger part of your life. It doesn’t have to be all-consuming. It just has to exist.

For more information on HIV and AIDS awareness check out http://www.aids.org/ or http://www.stophivaids.org/. For testing center locations in Illinois check out il.tstd.org or nationally at http://www.hivtest.org/.

The Perfect Fit

After much discussion and, naturally, much over-analysis... Some friends and I have come to the conclusion that our 20's are collectively the hardest times in our lives (thus far). We have spent hours soul-searching--and searching empty pockets for that matter--trying to find answers to the dreaded questions:

What am I doing with my life?
What do I want to do with my life?
How am I going to do this?

And in addition to these overbearing and sometimes paralyzing questions, we continue to worry about our social lives, romantic lives, and family lives. It's not enough that we're trying to plan the next three or four decades of professional living; we take on the continuing battle of trying to identify ourselves as individuals...

Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
How am I going to achieve that?

All to figure out where we fit in. Sometimes, ironically, this results in everyone looking the same in an attempt to look different. Sometimes this creates a trend: hipster, vintage, skater. But across the board this results in the better part of 10 years of ever-changing identity, taste, opinion, perception, and lifestyle.

There are things I know are not 'my style'. Going to a club that looks like someone's unfinished basement thick with fog and dense, sweaty air is not my scene. Going camping in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nature in all its greatness is not my style. I can handle either extreme for a short period of time, but when I've had enough, it's time for either a cool bar or a hotel room. Now this doesn't mean I have to limit myself to spending time with only those who have the same interests as me; it just means that we might not have as much in common as, say, someone I meet at Bucktown's finest new addition. And this does not change the level of respect I have for those who do enjoy either of those environments. But I can tell you now that I am not that kind of clubber, nor am I a nature enthusiast. Chances are I won't fit in within either of those groups.

Then I got to thinking about when in my life I feel as though I do fit in. And I had a very hard time coming up with an answer. This doesn't mean I feel uncomfortable most of my life. I definitely don't. And this isn't actually a negative thing. I am completely comfortable around most people; especially my family and good friends. However, this also does not mean that I feel I fit in. There is a distinct difference between fitting in and being accepted.

After noting this difference, my outlook changed. Maybe it's not fitting in that I'm looking for--socially, professionally, or romantically. Maybe it's acceptance that's more satisfying. Think about it. Acceptance allows you to be an individual and still be in the 'inner circle', no? We spend so much time trying different things to make us stand out from the person standing next to us, or our competition down the bar. So maybe 'fitting in' would be equally as unsatisfying. Maybe that's not what I want at all. Maybe what would be the best scenario is to be accepted on all those levels and respected as that... Whatever that is. (That meaning the collective answer to the questions above.)

So it turns out I'm not as far off as I thought I was. And maybe your 20's don't have to be so stressful after all. Perhaps we're making things more complicated than they need to be. So, let's just chill. These are supposedly the 'best times of our lives'. And while I think they might be the most productive, I'm not sure the term 'best' is ever going to describe our 20's... Yes, discovering the answers to the questions above will be helpful and in the meantime they cause strife. But just start with what you know. There's no rush. So sit back, relax, watch a movie or read a book, drink some wine, and enjoy your youth. Different obstacles coming next decade: grey hair, wrinkles, and gravity... Man oh man am I stoked! *big gulp*

Really. Honestly. For Real.

In common conversation terms like ‘Honestly’, ‘To be honest’, or ‘Really’ are gaining exceeding popularity. Prefacing your statement with a term like this is not actually meant to say that you were otherwise going to be dishonest. Usually these terms are used to preface a statement that one needs preparation for… Maybe the person is being a bit more forward than usual. Or maybe he or she is going to tell you something that you wouldn’t necessarily consider ‘good news’. ‘Honestly’ is a forewarning. And being legitimately honest—telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth---is apparently the new fad.

The interesting part of this is that people are now using terms like these more often than usual. Why now? What has spurred this change in attitude when in the past people would go to great lengths to save face, maintain their individualism, and indirectly say something in hopes that the person on the receiving end can read between the lines. Prefacing with ‘honestly’ or ‘to be honest’ has become a way to excuse yourself ahead of time from saying something that could otherwise be considered forthright, insulting, or bold. I would possibly even equate this saying to certain situations where someone makes a comment and ends it with *pause* ‘just kidding’. However, the intent and result is a much more direct, and therefore productive, communication style. And people are finding more and more that we are tougher than we thought. Adequate credit has not been given in the past to people on the receiving end of these comments for fear of hurting feelings or making yourself look like a less than standup person.

So… Why now? Well, a couple ideas came to mind.

First off is our theme of Changes that’s upon is spurring some motivation to make changes within ourselves. And becoming a little more selfish is resulting in a more selfless outcome. I have always operated under the general rule that I would rather have the entire truth and not like it than be lied to or not given all the details and have to backtrack and compensate for missing or false information. I understand not everyone works like this. I know the saying “Ignorance is Bliss” is helpful in some situations. But in day-to-day happenings, we just want to be able to deal. We want to have a full view of what’s going on and we want to figure out a solution, process, or goal. People are finally realizing that we do have control over things in our lives, but in order to take that control, we need to be real with ourselves and those surrounding us. Rather than things simply happening to us we are now making things happen. It’s impressive.

The second reason I associate with this newfound boldness is, surprisingly, The Recession. Right now we need each other more than ever. We need help finding jobs, finding housing, networking, socializing, creating some form of support system so we can get by… People are relating to each other more now than ever before. We have all become resources for each other and as a result, there is an increased comfort level allowing us to be real and not so concerned with saving face. The saying “desperate times calls for desperate measures” seems to ring true. Unfortunately our ‘desperate measures’ consist of being honest about the fact that we need help… causing a dent in our individualistic ego and forcing people to take a hard look at themselves and say, ‘Oh, so what?!’ It’s taken us this long to realize that we can rely on other people, we can relate on this topic even if everything else between us differs, and we can trust other people to help. Everyone wants to help. (Generally speaking, of course…)

So maybe we’re gaining some collective confidence. Maybe this economy---our insecurity about our future---is helping us to find a better way to operate and communicate. Maybe we are realizing that people really can handle more than we gave them credit for in the past. Maybe we’ll be able to walk away from these intense, difficult, stressful times with a little more knowledge, a new outlook, and maybe a few more friends. And we could always use a few more friends, no? …Really… Honestly… For Real…

Why I'm Not a Morning Person

Brief "must-know's" before I rehash this pride-altering, life-threatening, over-the-top story that, once again, proves that I am somehow living Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd my entire life:

1. I am not a morning person. You're lucky if I can complete full sentences before 10am.

2. Fortunately I have located my auto-pilot button and that's been working well for the last 20-something years.

3. Auto-pilot does not react well to inconsiderate bikers, oncoming traffic, and weird, angry, crazy people. Yes, that's foreshadowing.

4. I have a carafe of wine right now because Lord knows I need it to rehash this story. Does someone have a long bendy straw? Better yet, just tap an IV and let's get right down to it.

# # #

Once upon a time, roughly around the ninth month of 2007, I was enjoying a blissful morning before heading to work at my Gold Coast, boutique-y, overly pretentious salon. I had slept at my (then) boyfriend's house the night before. So, me being me, I slept those extra two minutes that make all the difference leaving me with just enough time to get up, get ready for work, drive from his house to mine (Between 7 and 10 minutes depending on lights... But who's counting?), park my car, and walk to work. Sometimes, if I get all green lights I have time to run upstairs to my apartment and drop off my overnight bag. Usually I don't.

I'm rushing. I shower on fast-forward, get dressed, throw my hair in a ponytail, and am out the door in record time. I can actually make it to work on time! (Which is 9am by the way. And it was a Tuesday. And considering the salon was so dead I was lucky to have 4 clients on a Saturday, I somehow felt that my rush to get to work would only result in some extra time to get my crossword done, blowdry and/or curl my hair, apply makeup, go to lunch, have a heart-to-heart with Mom in Texas, and finish a novel all by 5pm.)

Overnight bag, work bag, and purse in hand (or on shoulder) I haul up to my car taking stairs two at a time, and make it out of his lot by 8:50. I can still make it! But no, going down the middle of the street is one of those construction accordion-looking lift thingies traveling at a whopping three miles an hour. I'm stuck behind him. The street is really narrow and passing him on either side would mean either driving on the sidewalk or taking off the sides of about twelve cars parked on the street. Both options seem costly, so I refrain. I could honk, but with my luck, I'd startle the man, he'd fall off said accordion thingie and I'd have a lawsuit on my hands. Another costly option I choose to defer.

A nice also burly looking man (with a beard) yells to the accordion man to move out of the middle of the street and he does so. I'm eternally grateful to said bearded burly man and am waving him thank you as I accelerate only to come feet from a semi backing up a la Austin Powers into a loading dock. Again, I'm stuck. Why did this man help me if I was going to be stuck anyway? Not the point. Anyway, I wait out the truck finally pulling in and I'm off like the gates just opened and the gun just fired.

Unfortunately the turn from this particular street onto the main street is a blind left turn. And by blind left turn I mean I mastered (somewhat) looking in the reflections of the cars across the street for oncoming traffic. So, as I thought I mastered it, and because it was early, I inched out of the street to get a quick confirmation peek and speedily turn left. Well, I was wrong. My eyes deceived me and there was a car coming. Car slams on breaks, I slam on acceleration, I get flicked off and try to slow my heart rate down to a semi-normal pace but I can feel it beating in my ears. I wave apologetically to the other driver (we didn't crash, just to clarify) and keep on my way---driving a lot more carefully. (Two things. 1. That car was totally speeding by the way. But that's neither here nor there if I get broadsided and end up looking like previously mentioned accordion thingie. And 2. I am now awake.)

Now it's 8:57 and I'm obviously going to be late but I'm hauling anyway. I sit through two light changes at a very large intersection because People's Energy decided that rush hour was a good time to fix stuff. I make it home by 9:03 and I grab my stuff (all my bags, coat, etc...) and I'm out of my garage and literally running down the street.

I sometimes cut through this little alleyway behind the Bank of America on Division and State to cut literally a minute off of my oh-so-intolerable commute of 5 blocks from my house to work. So I am cutting through said handy-dandy alleyway when I see an oncoming car. Trying to be courteous I move to the left to let the car pass as I speed walk (arms and all) to work. As I'm moving to my left, a biker speeds past me with no warning and literally I think he took off some arm hair. It scares the jeepers out of me and I trip over a pothole, fall face first to the pavement, bags go flying over my head, and nice man in car stops and says,

"Are you OK???"

Me: "Yes, physically. I'm not really sure about my pride at the moment."

He laughs; I get up and brush myself off. Mentally I give myself an attitude-adjusting pep talk with the basic tone of "Get it together, woman!" and continue (slowly) to work. I don't care if I'm ten or fifteen minutes late to work. I'll be lucky to make it there alive!

To add insult to injury (Literally! I scraped my knee and twisted my ankle!) as I am walking and mentally thinking about the craziness that ensued in literally 20 minutes and worrying about what the rest of the day may bring---a Harry Potter-eque, mid-to-late-fifties, plaid and khaki wearing (with a blue blazer), bald, would-typically-be-friendly-looking African American man looks directly at me... I mean straight in my eyes... and says matter-of-factly, "You're still fat and ugly." (Yes, read that again. And again. That. Really. Happened.)

Jaw drops. And literally all I could do is laugh. My logic is: 1. I'm not fat. But 2. Even if I was fat, I am certainly not an ugly fat girl! So this is just ridiculous. I laugh it off, wait a second for cameras to pop out of the wood works or the cheap, scandalous hotel to my right, but ultimately make it safely to work... Or so I thought...

As I walk in, my greasy ponytail'd boss with his Gucci jeans hiked up to his nipples has his arms crossed in front of him, waiting at the front desk with a very unhappy look on his face. I am quite obviously winded as I walk in, look to my left, and my client is sitting on the couch, waiting for me. Let me reiterate. 9am, on a Tuesday. The odds of that happening when I couldn't pay people to come into that salon was so slim that I chalked it up to another force of nature. I apologized profusely, and explained to my client the events of the morning. He forgave me, reassured me that I'm not fat or ugly, and told me to take a personal day and go home.

I went shopping for a helmet and two mattresses to wear for the rest of the day, week, month, year. Couldn't find them but I took a cab the 5 blocks home when my day finally ended. And now you know why I'm not a morning person.

Men are from Mars; Women are from Pluto?

Oh, wait. Pluto isn't even a planet anymore. Don't get me started on that...

...Anyway, we're back! I hope everyone had a great week. I thought we'd jump right in where we left off with our other post of the mysteries of women. I have a few questions posted by readers that I will address, too. *wine and chocolate in hand*


Why do Women Jump When They See Insects?


1. They're gross, and creepy, and crawly. And I KNOW that centipede gave me the stink eye.

2. This can be a personal thing. I know women who are not afraid of bugs. Yet I will outsource a boy to come get rid of a spider for me. No joke. I'm afraid that the bug is going to lay eggs in my hair or something ridiculous like that.


In reality, I know they're more scared of me than I am of them. (If they even have brains that have the 'feelings' function.) But I'm convinced after seeing Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Antz, A Bug's Life, and Harry Potter that bugs really do have more capabilities than we meager humans know!


3. Did I mention that they're scary, gross, creepy, and crawly... AND they're plotting to take over the world? Where's Will Smith when we need him? If he can handle aliens and zombies, he surely can handle bugs. Oh. And I'm going to call the Ghostbusters in for re-enforcement. What can I say, I'm well connected.



Why do Women Want to Hook Your Friends Up with Their Friends?


There can be a couple motivations here. The first is to make sure their friend is happy, again. Like the going to the bathroom together note. Life is amazing when you can share being giddy in lust/love/like with someone. A woman never wants to call her single girlfriend and gush adoringly about her new guy while her friend is sitting at home on a Saturday night gorging herself on Chocolate Cherry Garcia and watching Love, Actually by herself. No, I'm kidding. Sort of. I'm making it sound worse than it is. But really, we want our friends to be as happy as we are. And the reality of it is, we wouldn't set our friends up with yours if we didn't think they were going to be quality guys based on the fact that you're a quality guy. It can cause serious stress on our relationship if our friends hate your friends. So really, it reflects positively on you and your crew if we see your friends fit enough for our friends. Be flattered.


The other, potentially far-fetched, reason would be to get closer to you, again. If my friend and your friend are dating, that means there is a greater likelihood that we will go out as a group. Think about this scenario: My friend and your friend are planning a date. My friend mentions it to me, and your friend mentions it to you. And then "Aha! Why don't you guys come with us?" That's an automatic date for me! By default! Man oh man am I sneaky! (And brilliant!) And I get to see you an extra day. It, of course, goes back to me being able to gush to my friend about how awesome you are without feeling like I'm throwing it in her face. Then I can gush about how excited I am for our double date. It's all a vicious circle. But either way, you're in there like swimwear if your lady is hooking up your friends!



Why do Women Feel Awkward About Standing Naked?

(Quick note: Dad, please feel free to skip over this part. In fact, please do skip over this part. Thanks.)


In this regard, I don't think men and women are too different from each other. Men work their bums off at the gym to get 'huge' or 'ripped' so they'll get attention from women. Women diet, gym, starve themselves, detox, lunge, crunch, stretch, sauna, and steam all to have a figure that maybe, barely, possibly resembles Jessica Biel.


It's insecurity. We're full of imperfections and women, for centuries, have had the reputation of being the more aesthetically beautiful form of the two genders. Greek sculpture accentuates a woman's curves and purity; Chagall, Matisse, and Dali all painted the female form in honest, but beautiful and artistic ways; and well, Leonardo DiCaprio didn't do so bad of a job sketching Kate Winslet in Titanic, either. Today's picture of attractive women (echem, wasn't Jennifer Aniston just naked on the cover of a magazine at age 40?!) is not so conducive of the nagging lower belly pouch that we can't seem to shed or the extra 'junk in the trunk' that you may love so much, but to us, that's the difference between a size 10 jean and a size 8 jean. (And really, we all want to be in single digits.) Victoria's Secret models take up entire storefront windows with flat stomachs, perky breasts, and perfect skin. And if that's what we're being compared to? Who wouldn't be a little uncomfortable in their own skin? So if we're feeling awkward standing in all our glory in front of you, that's the time for you to put that huge grin on your face and say, "Wow! Can you just plan on looking like that every day when I come home?" or something along those lines. (Man I hope my Dad's not reading this!)


But as a general rule, it's not about the anatomy of the female form as the previous author mentioned. We are full aware thanks to puberty and Sex Education what our bodies look like and how we're built. What we're worried about is you. So think about what reaction you'd want from us if the role were reversed and stick to that. We will get comfortable the more we're encouraged. So if this is a behavior you like, I suggest compliments, smiles, and well... other reactions to make us feel like the women we are.


...Now we're onto your questions! Here we go!


Why does a woman get upset when her guy wants to spend time with his boys?


I genuinely do think this has to do with the individual woman rather than us as a group. But, if I were to guess, I would assume that whoever you're referring to is not feeling as though she has had quality time with you. This goes back to the cuddling question.

Either there's something wrong or there is some aspect of our relationship that we're feeling is either creating distance, or unsatisfactory, and maybe we're feeling a bit needy. I know in the past I've felt that way in instances where I'm stressed out and tired and really just want to spend a night with my honey. And when he told me that he's going out with his friends, that left me feeling a bit sad and probably crankier than I already was. Because, the fact of the matter is, when I'm feeling like that, the cure is you. If you make me happy, then you'll make me happy when I'm feeling otherwise. Make sense? It's not because misery loves company. It's because you make me feel better.

So, from there it's all about communication rather than a guessing game. If I'm feeling sad-ish or stressed, I would often times just say 'Ok, go' when I really wanted him to stay because I was afraid of be a) the needy girlfriend, b) controlling, or c) a total buzzkill. More times than not I woke up the next day and realized how ridiculous I was the night before---that I was just tired and cranky and everything really was fine. But every now and then, when I did say, "Oh. Ok. Well, I was kind of looking forward to hanging out with you tonight." and he decided to stay in or spending a date night with me, I found myself extra grateful for having such a caring, generous guy. And the next weekend when he wanted to go out drinking like he's still 21 (and didn't get horrid hangovers), I would feel absolutely, 100% content about him having a boys night out.

But if you notice that your lady gets a little cold with you when you mention you're going to go out with your boys, try to stay calm and ask her what's really going on. Ask her if she had something else in mind or why she seemed so disappointed. If she responds with something like my response from above saying she was hoping to hang with you tonight, and you really want to go out with your boys, then tell her that you were really looking forward to this but maybe tomorrow night you guys can have a date... an official date. I'm sure that will at least satisfy whatever symptoms of neediness she's having. ...And be sure to drop her a "Thinking of you" text at some point during your crazy night out...

And finally, the kicker... Yes, I'm posting this because I couldn't believe the question.

Why are Women Never Satisfied?

First of all, your question is somewhat hostile. You are now insinuating that women are impossible to please and that, generally, we're always complaining about something or are miserable. Let me clarify that there is a vast difference between never being satisfied and wanting to be the best possible form of yourself. There is a difference between being miserable and wanting to improve. No one's perfect.

Women naturally are drawn to our relationships---romantic, platonic, and introspective---building and strengthening them. We view our relationships like you view business. You look at your productivity. You look at your profit. You look at the individual elements of your success or failure and you determine what your weaknesses are and where there needs to be improvement. We do the same thing with our relationships. We take inventory: Social Life, Family Life, Romantic Life, and Work Life. (Not in any particular order.) And most likely, if your woman brings one of these 'areas of improvement', she's looking for you to invest without judgement. At this point you have a choice. You can invest in your relationship and start asking yourself the questions you'd ask one of your employees or one of the questions you'd see on your annual evaluation. The result, most likely, will be a clearer self-identity, or a stronger identity as a couple. Either way you'll be closer to your woman. Or you can decide to judge; that she's never going to be satisfied and either jeopardize your relationship, or simply break up. If you view her 'evaluation' or 'inventory' as nagging, complaining, or otherwise being unsatisfied, then I'm assuming you'd prefer to go your separate ways. But if this is a pattern, then maybe it's time you turn that finger around and point it at yourself: Why are the women who are with you unsatisfied?
(Oh, snap!)

Well, I'm done with my wine, and thank you to everyone who contributed questions!

Women are from Venus, and Men are... Oh forget it!

A friend of mine sent me a link to an article of a metaphorical checklist of why women are the way we are. Why we do what we do. Ironically, this article was written by a man. And while I do commend him on his research, drive, and willingness to dive into such a foreign, scary world, there are a few things that he didn't quite cover that I thought I'd clarify on.

To give you the basis for this entry, here is the link to the article I am mentioning above. Check it out if you feel so inclined. It's funny and insightful... for a guy...
http://loverslobby.com/Womens-Mysteries.html

Now that we're past that (and I'm sorry to give you extra reading on top of the reading you're already doing) let's go one by one and get the woman's perspective!

Guys, screw the red wine, you need some scotch this week!

Why Do we go to the Loo in Pairs?
Alright. There are a bunch of reasons.

The most likely of which is probably to talk about you. So the author got this one right. If we're out with you (and 'you' meaning 'men' or most likely 'our dates') we're going to check in with each other. First off, it's important to us what our friends think of our guy. Secondly, it's important to tell our friend what we think of their guy. Thirdly, we want to make sure we're both having a good time. Because it's hard for us an individuals to have a good time if we're worried about the other person. Then maybe just maybe do we do a little giggly jig in the bathroom just to get the jitters out before we re-appear completely freshened, composed, and having that little mischievious twinkle in our eyes that you so adore.

The second option is not fear as the author so clearly stated in his piece. I don't know any grown woman who's afraid of going to the 'loo' by herself because she's going to be battered, abducted, arrested, assaulted, or otherwise come back in an unusual form. Realistically, if we're out and having a good time (or out and having a bad time for that matter) we legitimately forget that we have to go until we're about two seconds from busting out the potty dance. So when one of our friends looks at us and says, "Hey! I'm going to go to the bathroom." That's a reminder for us to check the gas gage and see how we're doing. If it happens to work out that we go together, great, maybe we'll throw in a giggly jig just for the heck of it.

And the final options is simply for company; to hand toilet paper under the stall, to borrow a lip gloss, powder our noses, and generally make sure we still look okay amongst all the drinking, sweating, bumping up against people trying to walk through a bar, or maybe double checking that those two tears that happened to leak out of our eyes at Twilight didn't mess up the big picture. (And really, it was totally allergies.)

Why do we like Cuddling with Other Girls?
So this isn't really my thing since I'm not the touch-y feel-y kind of gal unless I'm with my guy.

BUT, I think the author was right on a couple things. We like physical contact. Physical contact increases the chemical, serotonin, which causes an elevated mood and a sense of calmness and comfort. (Low serotonin production is often associated with conditions such as depression or bipolar disorder.) Anyway, physical contact does our bodies good. (Like MILK!) This is where I refer back to my entry on courtship and how simply touching a woman on the small of her back can send that electric shock up her spine. Yep! It's a good thing! Mentally, physically, and let's be honest... It's freaking great for you!

In addition to the scientific reasons we cuddle with each other, women tend to feel closer to someone when they're in close physical proximity. You may wonder sometimes why your woman wants to cuddle when you just want to watch TV. Maybe you're noticing that she's more 'clingy' than usual. My guess is that talking to her about what's going on in her life (or allowing her to ask what's going on in your life) will give her that extra security that she's feeling a gap in otherwise. Chances are she's got something on her mind, even if she doesn't know it yet. It just shows up physically. This does not mean you need to have a heart-to-heart every time your woman gets a little snuggly. Different people have different snuggle-o-meters. But if you're noticing a pattern change, then take the initiative and (without accusing her of being 'clingy' or 'all up in your space') ask her how she's doing.

But why with other women? Listen, since birth we've had teddy bears, body pillows, blankets, etc... We like having something warm to cuddle with. If it happens to be your best friend, so be it. A warm body is a warm body and, let's be honest, my best friend is a lot safer than the random guy I met at a bar last week! (Sorry, random guy!)

Why do we Expect Men to pay the Check all the Time?
We don't. Well, most of us don't. But I think you can get a sense within the first few dates with someone whether she's the type to make you pay all the time or if she'll step up to the plate.

I do think it's nice for a guy to pay on the first date. I think it's gentlemanly and it lets me know that he's happy that I came out with him. After that, we can split the bill, or let me take you out on a date.

But usually it's just a gentlemanly-courtship thing. I know guys who won't dream of letting the woman pay ever. They like being able to take care of their woman. And that's fair. (I personally feel like I want to make a contribution to dating my guy too. But based on society and history, I can understand why some men are like this.) But again, I really don't think, especially nowadays (or maybe just in the U.S.? 'Loo' isn't really the most American of words...) that women are stepping up more and taking the check.

Don't agree? Let me know. Next question!

Why do we ask if you Find Another Woman Attractive?
Yes, it's for competitive purposes. I know I've done it in the past simply to see what my guy's taste is. Women are constantly comparing themselves to other women. There is an unspoken idea that when we dress up to go out, it's not for the men... It's for the women. Men generally could care less what you're wearing (proven in my From Rags to Riches post). It's when a woman comes up to you and says, "You look really cute!" that our ego inflates (just a little) and our smile broadens. Our competition just gave us a compliment. Unheard of!

Recently I'm feeling less of a cutthroat competitive edge between women, but there will always be that sense there. Again, survival of the fittest. So, when we ask you what you think of that woman dressed in a skirt that actually should probably be a tube top, be honest! But be smart about it. You don't want to completely make your lady feel like she's Ugly Betty next to Megan Fox. If you say, "Why would I even bother looking?" we'll know you're lying. It is in our biological DNA to look at other people we're attracted to. Of course this doesn't mean we're going to do anything about it. But looking never hurts. (Unless you ogle. In which case, prepare yourself for a swift kick in the bootay!) Saying something along the lines of, 'Yes, she's hot. But nothing compared to you!' with a little smooch will ease any nerves your lady may have.

Why do we Expect you to Read our Minds?
Again, I think this is a loaded question. Generally, we don't. There are those select few women who like the game playing and have no problem putting on a pouty face purely to get what she wants. (Of course, after you have to guess what she wants to begin with.) But, women do not want to be fighting or upset. No one is perfect at communicating. Even the best communicators can be misinterpreted or misinterpret something coming at them. And honestly, sometimes we don't know what's upsetting us until we blurt it out in attempt to save face.

If there's something obvious that's bothering us, and we don't want to make a scene (maybe it's not the right time or place for discussion) then we're obviously not going to be all Snuggle bears and doves with you. But we'll be cool. If you notice that we're not acting like our usual selves, even saying something like "If something's wrong, will you please tell me about it when we get home?" let's your lady know that you noticed but you also understand why we're being quiet. (And bonus points for you!) If we get home and you ask again, "What's wrong?" and get the standard "Nothing." response, let it go but stand up for yourself. You can let her know that you know something's wrong and you're willing to talk about it when she is. $10 says she starts spilling her guts right then and there.

But you also have to understand that women, for ages, have been ridiculed for being upset about something. If we ask you to do something, it can come off as nagging. If we're upset about something you did or didn't do, it can come off as being needy, whiny, jealous, oversensitive, reactive, or PMSing. So I've known women (myself included) to just keep quiet and 'stuff it' in order to maintain that level of respect. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule as with everything. There are women who throw a tantrum about everything. But for most of us... What it ultimately comes down to is how you approach the subject. We don't expect you to read our minds. But we want to be able to speak our minds when we have something to say. Makes sense?

Well folks, I think that's enough for today's lesson on the sometimes frustrating-and-complex-but-you-love-us-anyway species we call women. Next week? Why bugs scare us, why we set our friends up with your friends, and why we feel awkward standing naked. (Sorry Dad!) AND... I would love your feedback on this and any other questions you may want answered. Perhaps after this we can delve into the depths of the male mind. Sports? Women? Work? What else...?

Cheers!