The Glass Ceiling... Of Dating?

So what I've noticed is that Feminism has taken on kind of a new meaning in today's society. Women are getting pay significantly closer to that of a man's. More job opportunities are available in executive level positions for women. I'm seeing more female entrepreneurs. More self-sufficiency, more strength, more assertiveness, and more confidence from women. This shows up in a lot of different ways our world. And this is great. But, for some reason, this doesn't seem to overlap into our romantic lives... And I think I know why.

I know women who run board meetings, pitch ideas, sell products, and put themselves out there in the most high-pressure ways and handle rejection gracefully... almost strategically, even when the answer is 'no'. But why is it then, that when it comes to dating, that specific confidence that shines through in professional settings does not necessarily transfer? Is it our own self-fulfilling prophecy? Why is it that when a man comes up to a woman in a bar, it is considered courtship; but when a woman approaches a man in a bar, it is considered desperate? Is there a glass ceiling to dating?

(Tell me I don't sound like Carrie Bradshaw right now! I dare you! Except I'm taller. And brunette. And not NEARLY as thin... And well, I sure as hell couldn't pull off wearing a tutu down the busy, clustered streets of Chicago... Ok. So I'm still me.)

Anyway, my point is this... From personal experience. I am not the shyest of individuals. I am outgoing and friendly and I give credit where credit is due when I go out; and, of course I have an incessant habit of talking smack as well. (My logic is: Yes, I'm being immature and maybe bitchy. And it's funny. And honestly, I'm sure there's someone else sitting one or two seats behind me who's talking smack about me and the fact that I just did the Running Man in the middle of a bar where no one's dancing and who do I think I am?!) But, again, I digress---I am the type who, after a few drinks (because really, no one's that carefree!), would typically have zero qualms about striking up conversation with a guy I thought was cute. However, in the past, when I've attempted this... and in the classiest of manners, might I add... I have gotten one of two reactions:

1. He looks at me like fresh meat. The assumption exists that because I started conversation with him, I am obliterated (read: completely wasted) and am his new conquest for the evening... Which he thinks is 'in the bag' and is sorely disappointed/insulted when I don't make-out with him in the midst of a packed bar... Then he gets disgruntled, decides I'm just 'not worth it anymore', and moves on to the next girl grinding with her girlfriends right behind him. (Not that there's anything wrong with grinding with your girlfriends... Really, we all do it. Especially when Beyonce comes on. And maybe we bust out the moves from the video... Whatever. That's normal...)

or

2. I get the 'Oh my God this girl must really be pathetic if she's coming up to me' interaction. Conversation lasts about 5 minutes tops. Consists of small talk (i.e. where you're from, what you do, and ummm... that's about it...) Then you smile awkwardly at each other, turn to your friends, attempt to move on, and your groove is all out of whack for the next few minutes until you recoup. On one hand, this interaction could be polite, casual, but simply not going anywhere. And that's totally fine. Or it could be excruciating because the guy you happened to start conversation with thinks he's Brad Pitt and acts way too snobby considering he isn't *gasp* said blonde, beautiful actor. Then you think to yourself, "This is what guys deal with ALL the time. I don't get it. If they've experienced it, then why wouldn't they be flattered that a woman came up to them and at least be polite?"

And that's where I got stuck. See, sometimes when I've started conversation at a bar, it's gone well. Either he was interested in me and responded in a way that I felt good about my desire to be assertive, or he spoke to me before I even got the chance to speak to him which also left me feeling good... especially since I didn't have to risk my ego. However, the times that I have experienced one or both of the previously mentioned reactions left me completely disgruntled, confused, and somewhat put-off. So then I wondered... What is it about a girl coming up to a guy that comes across as desperate?

Is it that society has taught us that men are the pursuers? Is it years and years of male-to-female courtship that's led us to the point where a confident, assertive woman is judged if she goes after what she wants? And, since we've made so much headway in progressing in our professional lives, how do we shift that same attitude change into our personal lives?

So here's what I've elected to do... And I've been applying this to as many instances as I can when I go out. I change the way I interact with men even when they come up to me. So, when a guy offers to buy me a drink, I say yes (assuming I want to talk to him). That's Round I. Then let's say that he's sticking around for conversation, laughs, and overall ridiculousness. That's when I ask him if I can buy him a drink. No, I'm not a feminist persay. But I like an even playing field; especially in today's world, and especially in the bar scene. I like the leverage to be able to cut off the conversation when I want, or take it further if I want. Nine times out of 10 when I offer to get his drink (Round II), he's going to argue. And if he's really stuck on buying me the second drink, that's fine. I'm not against courtship. And I love being treated like a lady. But just the fact that I offered gives him an idea that we are equals... a team, if you will. And it also let's him know that I want him around. I wouldn't offer to buy his next drink if I wanted him to bug off, right? Right. It changes the dynamic of the conversation.

And what I've found...

I'm taken more seriously. Not in the I-never-smile-because-I-suck-at-life kind of way. But in the way that the guys who are only out to 'get some' that night leave me alone because they don't see me as an option. SIDENOTE: A friend of mine put it in an interesting way. He explained that because I come off as confident, sometimes guys won't approach me because they're intimidated. Because they will feel, in a sense, insignificant. That it wouldn't matter to me one way or another if they existed in my life. Now, this is not a good trait of mine and I have to work on it. But it's better than being the target of every polyester-wearing, sleaze ball's affections. BACK TO MY POINT: Guys who are genuinely interested in me stick around for conversation. And, chances are, they are going to be equally as confident as me or even more for having the guts to come chat.

The guys who I am not interested in but were respectful in their attempt get an equally pleasant response. Usually that consists of a minute or two of small talk, a drink offer on their part, my saying something like "No thanks! I'm good. But it was really nice meeting you!" And they usually get the point. It's nice, it's appropriate, and it's acknowledging them as a person and not some flea you're trying to shoo away. (No one should be treated that way. That is... unless you're wearing a shiny polyester shirt with flames on it, acid-washed jeans, and Keds. Ok ok. You still get a polite "No, thanks", but if you're coming up to me, expect some 'constructive criticism'...)

So, lesson to the ladies: Be stern when you need to be. That is, when someone is being inappropriate, rude, or disrespectful. Unnecessary bitchiness will discredit you. And no, you're not Angelina. So don't act like you are. Just like he wasn't Brad Pitt. (And not even Brad is allowed to act like a jerk. So there! *humph*) And don't be afraid to let that professional confidence peek its head into your personal life. The worst that will happen is you'll get rejected. And it has happened to all of us many, many times before in work or in play. But you never know who you'll impress by a simple smile and a 'Hello.' And you'll never know how good it feels to see this specific hottie's eyes light up because you spoke to him. Now THAT'S reassurance!

Men: Props to you. You have guts, cojones, for doing this for ages... But be flattered when a woman does come up to you. Because it's so rare, it probably takes a bit more "Go get 'em, Tiger" for a woman to approach than a man. But I want to open this question up to you...

How would you feel about a woman approaching you? Would she come off as desperate? If so, why? Or would it be refreshing, for a change, to be the pursuee rather than the pursuer? Enlighten me!

I think with the new year and the theme of 'Changes' that's upon us, it's a good time to think about things that we want to see changed in our personal or romantic lives when so often we only focus on our professional lives. Men and women alike. If men are more open to women being assertive then women will be encouraged to be that way. And yes, there will be exceptions. And this doesn't mean that gentlemanly courtship is ruled out altogether. (Opening doors for women should never go out of style!) It just means that it's time for men to be allowed to enjoy the flattery of being approached. So, glass can be broken, and walls can be moved. Let's get the blueprints in order and get crackin'.