Dear Abby, What do I do...?

Hello all!

So I’ve finally figured out a structure for my blog. Here’s the plan:

Once a week I will post a story and/or editorial type piece. The rest of the week I will respond to comments and feedback and if I find that there’s another related piece involved, I will write that. The feedback that I’ve gotten from you has been inspiring, thought-provoking, and honest. So… With that said. I’m going to start with a response that I got from a very good friend. Someone whose opinion and thoughts I really value and who raised a very good point that I think would be great to address. So… Here we go!


I enjoyed reading you blog about dating. I think it is great that you are taking your writing and going for it. I like it.
So at the risk of cheesy, I loved your sentence,
"I think with the new year and the theme of 'Changes' that's upon us, it's a good time to think about things that we want to see changed ..."
Regarding women approaching men, I think it is great. My only problem is when women then turn to me and say, "Take my number". From a guy’s point of view, you are stuck. If you don't want it, you need to find a way to tell some girl who just put herself out there, "No, I don't want your number". Or, if do you take it and don't call you are a schmuck(sp?).
Anyhow, keep it up and I will talk to you soon.

-Super Cool in Cali (Yes, I’m making up these names… get over it. It’s my blog.)


Mr. California,

First off, thanks for reading and your feedback! (I swear I sound like I’m on a radio show… So cheesy! Anyway!)

The first thing I wanted to address is that you used the word ‘problem’ in your description. Yes, this is simply semantics, but it’s kind of an example of what I’m talking about. This is not a PROBLEM. It’s a good thing that a woman is taking the initiative even if you’re not interested. And it’s flattering that in a room full of eligible bachelors, she chose you. But you're feeling bad about the inevitable outcome of the interaction. And while this is very caring of you, you don't need to be that nice. Think how the situation has been handled in the past when the roles were reversed.

You hear the story all the time. A woman is in a bar talking to a guy and being polite, but is not actually interested in him in that way. Yes, he may be funny. And smart. And super cool. And maybe even cute. But you’re just not that into him. What do you do? If you make it clear that you’re not interested, you’re stuck up or rude. And if you take up his time by ‘being polite’ then you’re inconsiderate because he could be spending his time talking to someone else who is interested in him.

Saying this is a ‘problem’ is a dysphemism. It sends the message (whether consciously or not) that this is not a good thing that this woman is talking to you. And it will inevitably show in your body language and interaction. And what’s important about that, in my opinion, is that you never know who’s watching. Be rude, unenthusiastic, or otherwise unengaged to one person, and the woman you actually had your eye on when you walked in may see that and then view you as unapproachable. I know it’s sort of ridiculous. But it’s true. This doesn’t mean that you should be fake. This means you should be honest.

If I were in your shoes, and talking to a woman that I’m not really that into (this is assuming I’m a guy… which I’m not… but if I were…) I would make sure the conversation didn’t last too long. As I said in my previous post, small talk and a simple “Well, it was great meeting you. Maybe we’ll run into each other later but I have to go find my friends now” or something along those lines is not off-putting, rude, schmuck-ish, OR untrue! The best part of that is you’re being true to yourself. You’re not leading her on. But you’re not being rude. And she has no reason to think of you as a jerk. If she does, in my opinion, it’s a sign of immaturity and you really shouldn’t think twice about it. You are entitled to not be interested in anyone you choose. And you are entitled to be INTERESTED in whoever you choose.

If she backs you into a corner with a “Here, take my number” as you mentioned above, take her number and say ‘thank you’. You are not committing to calling her but you’re also not shooting her down. If you’re feeling really honest (maybe after a few drinks) you can tell her that it was nice meeting her but you probably won’t be calling. (And then come up with some excuse about leaving the country. Doctors without Borders or something… even though you’re not a doctor. No. I’m kidding. DO NOT DO THAT!) But seriously, sometimes it’s ok to be that honest if you pick up the vibes from that girl that she can take it… maturely.

Honestly, I don’t know if I would want someone to be that honest with me. I’d prefer if you just didn’t call. BUT-- don’t say you’re going to call! Just say thank you and take the number. If you say you’ll call and you run into her sometime down the line she can make you out to be a jerk for not making good on your promise. And you never know! She might have a cute friend! And that that point, she most likely will have moved on from you anyway. (Not that you don’t leave a lasting impression... But a girl’s gotta’ do what a girl’s gotta’ do!)

Basically, don’t burn bridges (Unless absolutely necessary. See my message in the Glass Ceiling piece to the ladies. If someone’s being inappropriate, all bets are off.) And, it’s ok to be yourself. This is a great 'problem' to have. Enjoy it! Be friendly and fun but just be sure to be straight forward about your intentions. If the roles were reversed, I could almost guarantee you would want the same respect. (And if you wouldn’t, please respond with an explanation of WHY!)